Listless? Confused? Slow? Moany? Exude the faint aroma of rotting flesh? Shuffling through life with your eyes half-closed and mouth agape?
We are looking for the groaniest of you. The scabbiest of you. The scariest of you.
We need zombies - and we need them fast! (Or slow and cumbersome – you know what we mean.)
Due to overwhelming demand, we are seeking the best candidates in the UK to represent the living dead. You’ll be the decomposing star of the show at our fabulous Zombie Manor House experience in Warrington, near Manchester.
We’re sure you’ve heard of the Zombie Shopping Mall . Now you have the chance to be one of the zombies at the 65-acre Zombie Manor House! But do you have what it takes?
You might think that any old Made in Chelsea fan can just slope in, stick on some slap, and murmur brains while eating a bag of Skips. Nuh-uh girlfriend. Being a zombie takes poise, skill and punctuality. It takes a very special type to scare the bejesus out of a group of accountants on a team-bonding away-day.
Do you have the following requirements?
As horrific as possible please. Obviously we’ll augment your features with hideous make-up and prosthetics. But if you have an unnerving visage as a launch pad, then so much the better. The more slack-jawed, dead-eyed, lumpy foreheaded of you out there will be at a distinct advantage.
Though there won’t be any actual cannibalism involved, if you look as if you COULD possibly chow down on some brains and/or other disgusting, squishy parts without pulling an ‘icky’ face, you might be the ghoul for us.
Zombies come in all shapes and sizes. For the role, there might be some leaping, running and unexpected manoeuvres needed, so you must be relatively fit. Plus if you can stand for long periods with limbs askew and your arms stretched out in front of you in a ‘Frankensteiny’ way that would be lovely. But otherwise, we don’t care what shape you are.
TALK LIKE A ZOMBIE
In a word: garbled. This is a role where your complete inability to articulate is a boon. Groaning, moaning, murmuring, the sound that drooling makes; all will be encouraged. If you get the urge, you can release the odd “Brains” or “Kill” or “Is it time for my break yet, Simon?” as appropriate. You can also be silent. There’s something really creepy about a silent zombie.
Tattered and bloody tends to be the way with zombie couture. But we’re up for anything really. If you fancy a stint as a zombie bride or a zombie ice-cream man or the zombie drummer in Rush, that sounds peachy keen to me. As long as your clobber is gore encrusted, ragged and possibly lightly singed, we’ll be happy.
WALK LIKE A ZOMBIE
Michael Jackson's Thriller video gave the world the impression that zombies are excellent formation dancers - but this is simply not the case. We’re zombie traditionalists in the Romero vein. We like our living dead slow and shuffly, with perhaps the odd unexpected burst of frantic energy thrown in. Think Glastonbury at 6am on the Sunday, the morning after Happy Mondays have headlined.
PAY AND BENEFITS
We want to pay you real cash money. Plus the hours are flexible (evenings and weekend required) and it’ll be fun, fun, fun.
And if you’re one of those thespy, actory types (our condolences to your family) there’s a distinct performance element to the job. Plus think how it will look on your CV! No future employer in the country will be able to deny you a role when they see you were previously employed as a zombie.
Stuck in a dead end job? It's time to move to an undead end job (ZING!). Apply now if you have what it takes to be a member of the living dead.